I am trying to find strength in my friends, but it's hard. I saw a friend today who I've known since we were 3, and I haven't seen her in about a year, so it was nice to have that reunion. But, my God, she's so loud. She goes to NYU, which I think has a lot to do with it, but she was basically screeching instead of talking. I tried to talk more than I usually do to make her shut up, but then I would be hilarious without even trying and she would laugh like the most terribly obnoxious bird ever. She goes to school far away from home, like me, but she's also barely even a real human being, so she doesn't feel any kind of sadness or remorse or guilt or regret or anything negative about leaving home. I'm not saying that real human beings should feel all of those things, but because I feel so guilt-ridden, it's hard for me to understand people who are so carefree. And callous. She's more callous than anything else.
I also saw my friend Ryan today, who just moved into her new apartment with one of my best friends. I drove past Ryan, then turned around and picked her up, since she was walking. She showed me her new apartment, but I didn't get to see my other friend, Jordan, who was still asleep. They're a weird pair; they often hate each other and are always at odds about something, unless they're high (but especially when they're drunk). Ryan moved out, but not away. I think she lives a whopping five miles away from her mother, if that. Jordan, on the other hand, is the only one of her family left in town, since her parents and siblings just moved halfway across the country. I know she's sad about it, especially since she won't get to see them until Christmas since they're so far away, but she seems absolutely fine. I really want to know if she cried when they left, so I can know how I should react. If she cries, it's totally fine for me to do so. If she didn't, it's still fine for me to, because she's much less emotional than I am. I just want to know if she cried so I won't feel like an absolute pansy when I do.
My very best friend called me from College today. I haven't heard from her since she left, on Friday, and I was glad that she called, but shocked at her tone. I always knew she would be a superstar in college; she was made for it. But she said, after I pointedly asked, that she wasn't even sad when they left, which surprised me. She's just as emotional and close with her family as I am; she came over one day, crying, because her parents got into a bad argument and she thought they were going to get divorced. I want to be like her. I want to be so confident that I'm doing the right thing, that any negative emotions are easy to dismiss. Sometimes I feel this way. When I am driving in the car, by myself, listening to music at top volume, singing along, I can feel like this. The rest of the time I feel kind of nauseous.
I told my friend Kelly that I felt guilty about leaving; she's the only one I've told in real life. Her father died from alcoholism when she was a freshmen in college, and she was the youngest, so she was virtually leaving her mother more alone than I will be leaving my father. She knew the reason I told her was because she was the only one who I could tell, the one person who could understand. And she told me that she told her mother's friend once that she felt guilty about leaving her mother alone. And her mother's friend told her, "I think it's good that you worry about your mother, but maybe you worry too much. She's stronger than you think." And Kelly told me she thinks that's true of my father. And I know Kelly's mother, and I know that she is stronger than Kelly thinks, but it's hard for me to believe Kelly when she tells me that my dad is the same way. I guess it's hard to see your own life clearly, amirite?
I think to ward of any tears or feelings of guilt, I will print out some Twilight macros and have them handy in my car. That way, when I drive away from the airport, leaving my dad, I will look at them, listen to The Gourd's cover of Gin and Juice, and
laugh and laugh and laugh and not cry. Maybe I will even bring a copy of Breaking Dawn in the car with me for this exact reason.
Day Three: Today throw sometime away that you like.
I haven't done this yet; I've still contemplating the thing to throw away. It cannot be a book, because I won't do that. It can't be a CD, because all my CDs are on my iTunes and that's too easy. I was just about to type, "I don't even know what I like" and then my eyes fell on this giraffe on a pedastal thing that my friend gave me for my birthday three years ago that dances, kind of, when you press a button. I don't often think of it, but when I do, it makes me smile. I do like that dancing giraffe a lot, enough that my heart plummetted when my eyes fell on it. I'm going to look frantically around my room now, looking for something better to give up. If I can't find something in a minute, I'll throw away the giraffe. Whew. The top contenders ended up being the giraffe, a snowglobe my godmother gave me of Paris, and a wallet from McDonald's that I stole from this boy Elijah who I used to baby-sit. He was the best ever, as was his mother, who was my 10th grade English teacher. I still think of them fondly. But I stole the wallet. I shouldn't have even had it in the first place, so I got rid of it. I'm a little sadder than I was a few minutes ago, but, maybe, also a little older.
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bouncy
cheerful
hopeful/tired
tired
calm
excited
aggravated
thoughtful
optimistic